


Control

by thejokinghatter



Series: Song Fics [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky is a little shit, Cuddling, FUCK DUDE, Halsey - Freeform, M/M, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sam is a Sweetheart, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Trans Bucky, Trans Bucky Barnes, Trans Character, bucky is always cold, bucky loves getting his hair washed, ftm Bucky, ftm bucky barnes, i have to stress that bucky is trans, im so deep in this ship, sam is tired, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 16:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7445875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejokinghatter/pseuds/thejokinghatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by Control by Halsey<br/>this is feely & fluffy sambucky</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> screams I was in pain writing this  
> my beta reader is @tinyzombiez go give her some love bc she's literally the best  
> that being said, all mistakes still in this fic are entirely mine

 

> _"They send me away to find them a fortune_  
>  _A chest filled with diamonds and gold_  
>  _The house was awake, the shadows and monsters_  
>  _The hallways, they echoed and groaned_
> 
> _I sat alone, in bed till the morning_  
>  _I'm crying, "They're coming for me"_  
>  _And I tried to hold these secrets inside me_  
>  _My mind's like a deadly disease..."_

 Bucky remembers everything. He remembers the house that Steve grew up in, the one that always needed repairs. He remembers his own house, the one Steve and he had shared once Steve got lonely after his mom died. Remembers the feeling of Steve's small frame pushed against his body on the days that it was particularly cold. Bucky remembers making Steve soup and making sure he took his medicine, the bottled panic he always felt when Steve was a little too cold or a little to hot or took too long to get out of bed and he remembers--  _he remembers_. 

Bucky remembers being trapped in a HYDRA base back in the war, not knowing what they were going to do to him next. He remembers when he fell off the train, Steve's horrified face the last thing he saw before he fell. He remembers wishing he was dead instead of laying helpless in the snow, too numb to feel the pain of his missing arm. He remembers the soldiers taking him back to HYDRA's base, the surgeries to get his metal arm in place, and he remembers the first time they wiped him. Remembers how painful it was and how  _terrified_ he was, but how sure he was that Steve was going to come for him. 

More importantly, Bucky remembers the faces of everyone he killed. Every last breath, every plea. He remembers trying to struggle against the programming but not being able to snap himself out of it. He remembers trudging on through old and new buildings, searching for whatever HYDRA wanted, killing anyone who got in his way. He remembers  _everything_. Maybe that's what maxr him go to D.C. Maybe that's why he washed up in store bathrooms and went through every park in D.C. until he found the person he didn't know he had been looking for.

> _"I'm bigger than my body_  
>  _I'm colder than this home_  
>  _I'm meaner than my demons_  
>  _I'm bigger than these bones.."_

Bucky finds himself at a door two weeks after he discovers the person he was looking for. It's not the first time he'd been standing outside this door. He had found himself outside of it a few times, at varying times of the night, trying to figure out why he was there and why he was scared to knock; he was the fucking Winter Soldier for shit's sake. This time, he was actually going to knock. It wasn't too late in the day since Bucky didn't want to wake the person on the other side of the door.

Buck huffed out a breath, mentally scolding himself for acting like a kid with a crush, and raised his flesh hand to knock on the door. But before his hand had a chance to touch the door, it swung open, revealing a  _very_ confused and surprised Sam Wilson. Before Sam could say anything, Bucky ran like a dog with its tail between its legs, ignoring the sound of Sam's voice calling after him.

 

 

> _"And all the kids cried out, 'Please stop, you're scaring me'_  
>  _I can't help this awful energy_  
>  _God damn right, you should be scared of me_  
>  _Who is in control?.."_

Bucky's in the park when he reverts back to the Asset. It was a car backfire that set him off. He completely skipped the 'Ready to comply' stage and goes straight to an 'Asset On A Mission'. There was no mission to follow but the Asset was determined to kill at least five people. The body count would please HYDRA and then perhaps his punishment for forgetting his mission won't be as bad as if he left no bodies and completed nothing. The Winter Soldier stalks into the more populated part of the park, his always on hand pocket knife sliding into his metal hand. A man steps into his path and Bucky takes him down without breaking his stride. He's faintly aware of someone screaming.

He takes down three people before he snaps out of the Asset. It takes a frightened little girl, shaking and staring at him with horror. And then Bucky is running again and he doesn't stop until he's at Sam's door, his fist frantically rapping at the door. He doesn't stop until the door opens, revealing a disheveled and concerned Sam Wilson. He takes one look at Bucky, takes in the blood on his shirt,  before stepping back to let Bucky inside the house. Bucky hesitates for a moment before stepping into the house, his heart pounding. 

A few hours, later Bucky stands in Sam's kitchen, dressed in fresh clothes. Sam had to wash Bucky's hair because he had sort of forgotten how to. Bucky hadn't actually washed his hair since before he fell from the train. The feeling of Sam washing Bucky's hair was his new favorite thing. His hands were so skilled, scratching lightly at Bucky's scalp as he massaged shampoo and conditioner into his hair. Bucky would be lying if he said that he hadn't tilted his head into Sam's touch. He'd definitely be lying if he said that every time Sam's hand brushed his chin or arms he made contented noises, and to say Bucky's heart didn't flutter when Sam didn't comment or stare at the scars on his body, especially the ones under his pecs, would be the biggest lie of all.

> _"I paced around for hours on empty_  
>  _I jumped at the slightest of sounds_  
>  _And I couldn't stand the person inside me_  
>  _I turned all the mirrors around..."_

It's four am when Bucky silently leaves Sam's house, having not slept at all. Every time Sam made a noise while turning in bed or breathed a little too loudly Bucky jumped, preparing for the worst. He felt ridiculous. However, before he leaves, Bucky folds the blankets that Sam had left out for him on the couch. He had draped them over his body as he placed around Sam's place, not able to get warm enough. Bucky also snagged some food from Sam's cabinets and wrote him a quick note saying 'thank you -B'. He left the note on the stack of blankets before silently slipping out of the front door. 

> _"I'm bigger than my body_  
>  _I'm colder than this home_  
>  _I'm meaner than my demons_  
>  _I'm bigger than these bones_

> _And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"_  
>  _I can't help this awful energy_  
>  _God damn right, you should be scared of me_  
>  _Who is in control?..."_

The next time Bucky finds himself at Sam's door is a week and a half later. Bucky had been sleeping in a close by park, one not too far from where Sam took his [mostly] daily morning runs. He had been sleeping there when the nightmares took hold. They were of him in the chair, of him murdering for HYDRA. There were flashbacks of him hurting Sam, hurting Steve, his best friend. Bucky was thrashing on the ground where he had fallen asleep, the nightmares getting worse as he slept.

He didn't wake until a woman shook him, and when he did, he grabbed her arm with his metal hand, hard enough to bruise. When he registered her face and her frightened expression, he immediately let go and apologized. Then he gathered his few things and tried not to run to Sam's place. 

> _"I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head_  
>  _They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead_  
>  _And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head_  
>  _They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead..."_

When Sam opened the door it was evident that he had been sleeping, which wasn't surprising due to the fact that that the sun hadn't risen yet. However, he let Bucky into the house, closing the door after the man had walked in. He asked if Bucky wanted tea because Sam was going to make himself some. Bucky agreed, though more for the warmth than the actual drink. 

When Sam placed the drink in front of Bucky at the table minutes later, he jumped slightly. Sam had pulled him out of one of his numb dissociation moments. He took a sip of the tea and decided that it wasn't bad. It was actually sorta good and the heat radiated through his hands and up his arms. Bucky almost cried at how  _good_ it felt. 

Maybe his warm comfort was why he opened up to Sam that night. Maybe it was the left over numbness or the fact that Sam just seemed so fucking understanding that made him open up when the man asked if he wanted to talk about what had happened. Bucky told him how fucking  _cold_ he always was and about the nightmares, the ones with the faces and the ones about him and Steve. Sam stayed quite the whole time, just silently sipping his tea and making small noises to show he was still listening. 

Later that night, after Sam had fallen back to sleep, Bucky got up and ran a hot bath as quietly as possible. It was a good thing Sam was a heavy sleeper though. When Bucky got out of the tub and got dressed again, he made the split second decision to curl up in Sam's bed, careful not to wake the other man or get too close. But when Sam woke up the next morning, Bucky was clinging to him, one leg around his and the other pressed against his. His flesh arm was flung across Sam's stomach, holding him close while his metal arm rested under his head. Sam slowly and carefully replaced Bucky's metal arm with a pillow and went back to sleep. When he woke again he thought Bucky had left, but a moment later he could hear him rummaging through his cabinets, that little shit. 

> _"I'm bigger than my body_  
>  _I'm colder than this home_  
>  _I'm meaner than my demons_  
>  _I'm bigger than these bones_
> 
> _And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"_  
>  _I can't help this awful energy_  
>  _God damn right, you should be scared of me_  
>  _Who is in control?..."_

Bucky came and went after that, slowly starting to stay more than he left. When he got too cold he'd either run a hot bath (usually when Sam was up so he could wash his hair) or curl up with him. Neither one of them said anything about the cuddling, but when Bucky came to sit on the couch with Sam he'd move his arm from his side so Buck could curl up next to him. And when Sam woke up in the morning with Bucky clinging to him like plastic wrap he would skip his morning run and go back to sleep. Bucky still had his nightmares sometimes and sometimes he'd revert back, but Sam had learned how to deal with them in the best way, and to say that Bucky didn't love him for it would be a big, fat fucking lie.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave me nice comments n shit  
> my tumblr is androginusrex.tumblr.com & my beta tester's is tinyzombiez.tumblr.com  
> pls show us much love  
> also if u didn't get the message from the tags, Bucky is trans. which is why he has the scars under his pecs. they're from top surgery from HYDRA bc they wanted a flat chested Asset.


End file.
